Some people think conversations are for communicating and exchanging ideas. Idiots. Listen, each and every conversation you have is a battle for dominance, and you must assert yourself before the other person, or you will lose, and you will both know that you are the weak one and they are top dog. Avoid this at all costs! Win. Win, win, win.
How to win at a conversation:
- Start giving unwanted advice. The more demanding the better. Mention that you’re not criticizing, just trying to help.
- When your opponent tries to explain why these ideas won’t work, question every statement that she makes.
- Give her no time to answer any of these questions, just keep firing more questions, or reasons that her answers are wrong.
- She should, at some point, either ask you to slow down or call you a name. This means you are winning! Act insulted and hurt immediately, preferably start yelling at her so she can’t explain why she said such a horrible thing to you and caused you so much pain.
- Ignore her reconciliatory words with a cold stare in a different direction, or yell some more.
- Insist on changing the subject, preferably to something she doesn’t care remotely about, and yell at her that you are CHANGING THE SUBJECT if she tries to talk calmly to you.
- If she dares to ask you for an apology, tell her how she wronged you and that you are not sorry, and be sure to add in something about how she does nothing but insult and berate you.
- Sulk. The longer the better.
- When she tries to engage you about anything else, slip in a comment about how she is always starting fights. When she tries to talk about it, call her defensive, and tell her she is always defensive around you.
- You win! Now you can move on and find someone else to defeat, and you’ve won the right to treat this person like a bottom-feeder. If it’s someone you live with, you get to add a hashmark to your tally of wins – be sure to always keep score so you can win at the relationship too. This is how you win at life.
* Seriously??? No, I’m not serious. This is parody, or at the very least, sarcasm. If you thought I was serious, I won… No, just kidding again. I don’t believe life is something to be defeated, and I don’t think people are either. But, I could be wrong. People often prove me wrong.
